My life is a roller coaster. I write in here so infrequently that i don’t even know where I left off anymore. I had a blog somewhere else before but my blog world and my real life world became too intermingled and blurry and it was just… not good. I feel anxiety about what I can share online anymore. Here is what has happened to me in the past few months.
My cat got very sick with cancer and for six weeks I frantically fought to keep him alive, but decided to let him go when his suffering became too great for me to continue being selfish. I had a vet come to my apartment and euthanize him humanely. I have a lot of guilt about it, especially because he was hiding when she came over and I had to pull him out from behind some boxes in the closet by his scruff. His last few moments in life were me being mean and it really kills me. I brought him into the living room and held him while the vet gave him an injection of pain medication. I got really worried because he started growling which is not like him. But then he relaxed and drifted to sleep. I held him and told him I loved him and thanked him for 13 years of love and snuggles. Once he was asleep and I was ready, she gave him an overdose of anesthesia and then he was gone in moments. I miss him so very much.
I found an orphan kitten in a parking lot at work. I bottle fed him and decided to keep him and it turns out he has dramatic health issues. Leave it to me to find the most complicated orphan kitten. I bottle fed Sawyer as an orphan kitten also, and up until this year, he was never sick. He spoiled me so much in so many ways. I really had no idea what “kitten” meant before my current kitten. Sawyer was always so mellow and sweet. Such a love. He loved his black lab brother, Cooper, who died last year. I can’t afford an urn for Sawyer right now, so he is sharing one with Cooper, which is probably how he’d want it to be. He loved his dog. I miss my boys so much. I’ve never been lucky in people, but my pets have been so amazing. These two are special though. I love my new little guy a lot, too. I got him a little harness and take him hiking with the dogs. When he gets tired, he goes inside a backpack made for hiking cats. It’s amazing. People get so excited when they meet a hiking kitten!
I was scapegoated at work and blamed for a mistake that wasn’t even remotely my fault (someone else not doing their work) so that the organization could save face and show that they “address the issue.” I got written up for it and put on a “work plan.” I have never in my life been in trouble at work. I got tired of sobbing at work so I began to look elsewhere after 4 years.
I got offered work at two different places and they competed for me. That’s never happened to me before and it was such an ego boost after being told what I worthless failure of an employee I am for so long. The job I accepted pays 20k more than what I was making and it opens doors with lots of professional ladders.
I started my new job. It’s really challenging and I feel really overwhelmed. Everything is new and positive but I know that my positive feelings and outlook on life are temporary and depression and darkness are waiting for it to wear down so it can creep in.
I am moving to a new apartment in a new city, in a new state (but it’s really only an hour from here). I’m very excited about my new place. It’s super cute and only two miles from work. But where I live now is the place I’ve lived the longest in my entire life (5 years). It’s a little scary to move. I’m really worried about moving all my terrariums and frogs (I have a huge collection of large terrariums/vivariums).
Another therapist is dumping me… AGAIN. At the current clinic I have been at for like three and a half years, I have had 5 therapists. All of them have left the clinic, except for one who dumped me (it was pretty mutual if I’m honest), and so now I’m a therapy ping-pong ball. How am I supposed to get treatment for trauma (especially trauma caused by a lot of abandonment and bouncing around in foster care) when I can’t even retain a therapist longer than like a year? It takes me a REALLY long time to trust someone. I’m supposed to do prolonged exposure of my worst traumas while bouncing from therapist to therapist? Really? In my adult life, I have now had EIGHT therapists. I guess therapy isn’t the answer for me. Am I meant to just flounder in life forever? Am I just destined to be one of those tortured souls? If only I had the savant like talent that is supposed to accompany that infliction. Do I try to start all over with a 9th therapist? I don’t think I can bear it. But how do I bear the darkness? If I’m honest, I don’t think therapists have helped me with the darkness, but at least I’m not alone in it.
Life can feel so stagnant and stiffing. I felt trapped and directionless in life not even 2 months ago and now I feel like life is moving so fast it’s making me dizzy and a little nauseous.